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  I, Chirpie, have now been held captive by this evil Pokemon for 13 days now. I have had all manner of torture applied to me, in the name of "enlightenment." Please, rescue me from this h*** I am suffering.  Whatever he is demanding, give it to him so I can return to my beloved Mandy. I can even forgive her for allowing to fall into this cruel creature's clutches, if only I can go home.
  He's a raving lunatic!!!!!!!!! My fur is starting to fall out from the stress that I am under. I apologize for calling him a hamster. I take back every mean or stupid thing I have ever said. Just please, let me come home.
  I'm begging you, save me!!!!!!  You don't know what I'm going through, you have no idea. He walks around muttering all day and scribbling ramblings on scraps of paper. The strain of this has rendered me infertile!!!!!!!!!! He has yet to starve me, but I feel this is only a matter of time. Please, pay the ransom and let me come home, I am down on my fur begging you.

CHIRPIE